Wednesday, January 22, 2014

10 Things Ghanaians Say When You Are Over 30 and Unmarried

Well, since this is becoming a new trend. I decided I too should jump on it, but with a twist. Welcome to my world of being a spinster in Africa, yes it can be very annoying some days, but also entertaining. Hope you enjoy.

10. Have You Born Yet- Yes, I am sure this is a funny phrase to most Americans, but whenever I am asked this question an intense look of worry crosses the face of the interrogator. Truth of the matter is that I have learned most Ghanaians are more worried about if I have had children than if I am married. I guess it is there way of ensuring that I am in fact "serious" in some way or perhaps they are just making sure that I am not a lesbian corrupting their holistic society.Either way the answer to question is, yes, I have no children. And an additional vote of  thanks goes to you for pointing out the fact that I only have so many years left to give birth. Because well, I totally forgot women don't have babies all their lives! Silly me!

9.  You Are Too Pretty Not To Be Married- Thanks for assuring me that its not my looks holding me back. It's obvious there is some other personality flaw that I should address....NOT. But really, I don't think looks is a qualifier for marriage. If anything its harder for me; after all, I am pretty. Besides I can see only one great thing that marriage may contribute to my life..after all its tough to look good all the time.

8. You Should Pray About It- Now I will admit, I do get on my knees..even for a more spiritual purpose from time to time. I can assure you that God and I have an understanding about my future boo. In the meanwhile though I don't think that Ruth found Boaz while she was deep in prayer. She found him while she was working in the field. So please excuse me, I do have work to do. And yes, socializing is considered work

7.  Do You Cook?- The answer is no..and I will agree they may be on to something here. Yes, I know that I should cook more often. And once I get married to a husband who makes if financially possible for me to pursue all of my domestic interests I promise to be the next Betty Crocker. In fact, I will out do Betty Crocker and I will be the ultimate kick ass domestic goddess. In the meanwhile please don't forget, I have work to do. But please don't let my lack of time to prepare food make you think that I can't cook...because sometimes..only sometimes I can. In fact my cooking skills are sort of like a line from Big Pimpin. I have no passion and I hate waiting (yes, I know its patience, but be a doll and.go with the flow).

Funny Confession Ecard: I have a passion for not cooking.

6. You Have to Try- Here comes the looong sigh. Me personally I don't know anyone who is over 30 who is not actively trying to date a decent person. Not one. Sometimes I wonder what trying really means. Is it double talk for let someone treat you like crap and overlook so you can marry. If so, I can confidently say that I am not interested. Oh, but I am trying and having some fun along the way. I am, after all, really, really pretty.

5. You Don't Need A Husband to Have A Baby- Now this one relates to number 1. I am always shocked and amazed at the people who feel I should just have a baby without being in a serious committed relationship. Not to say that the advice given has helped me form a solid back-up plan, but who knew such strong Christians would be more concerned with rushing me to the delivery room than down the aisle. Please I have heard your cries people and I will multiply. I am , in fact, aware of my superior genes and the great  contribution they could make to this earth. Remain calm, I have a plan.


4.  You Should Be Harder- The truth is I am already hard. I already don't distribute my number on first encounters, turn down dates, don't return calls and hell, sometimes I even pull the ultimate bitch move and stand people up. If I get any harder I will spend my days and weekends in my room praying about it. Now I will admit when I like a guy I do like a guy, but let's be honest I really only like 3% of the men that I meet..and that is a generous figure. Plus I feel this is in direct contradiction to the advice that I should try. I guess when your single over 30 every move is a wrong move. 

                                                    Girls, playing hard to get since, forever. 

 3. What Are You Waiting For? This is a great question and I always want to reward the person who asked it with the village idiot cap. Fool, how about I am waiting for the right man. I didn't know I could get married or have children without a man. But if you know a way please enlighten me. Until then I will just x the days down on my calendar, watch my friends uber cute wedding and baby pics, while eating snickers. Wait, I can't eat snickers I can't get fat until I am married. *le sigh* Plus considering my history of failed relationships I think its better I take my time or else....


2.  I have a Nephew/Son/Random Neighbor You Should Meet- Now being over 30 single with no children this is the last thing you want to hear. I think once you are past a certain age you aren't willing to waste your time on some whimsical date set up by someone who barely knows you. Besides, I probably dont even want to be in the hooker upper's family. I am very particular about genes. And did I mention I will not be applying for the gentleman to travel abroad ever?!?! I would rather be alone than grant U.S. citizenship and receive cards like these...unless maybe there was a lot of money in the cards. Hey, its Ghana, everything is for sale.


1. Do You Like Men- Now this is an odd question because inevitably most people who ask this question have seen me with a guy or heard me talk about a guy. Because well let's be honest you have to be pretty comfortable to ask that question in Ghana. But perhaps they have been carried away with news about Wanda Sykes and watching old reruns of Grey's Anatomy, you know the episodes with the lesbian doctor..whatever her name was, and have come to the conclusion its the new trend of American women. Whatever the case may be I guess the only reason such a pretty, eligible woman would not be married is if she is gay. Funny though, in Ghana I know more gay people inside of marriages than out. Wait..oops did I say that? Whatever it may be, rest assured I do hope to get married and and have children. Despite the doubt in my capability.

So if you laughed at least once hit the share button and spread the love. After all, I know I am not the only African spinster you know.

Until Next Time. Smooches.

Monday, January 20, 2014

The Age of Jesus

Well, another year has passed, and I am another year older as well. It's a very sobering experience when your birthday falls right at the New Year I think. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone who has a birthday between the 1st-6th of January has an annual mid life crisis that consists of taking stock on everything from the bank account to the love life. And, of course, I am no exception to rule. As a Capricorn, we are very serious individuals who strive to be successful in all aspects of life. So after sitting down and doing my self evaluation this year I realized one thing....I need to get my life together.

The great news is, is that this year I turned the same age Jesus was he was found his calling. I would just directly tell you my age, but well, we all know that a woman never really discloses her age. Especially when she looks like she is 26. Ok, you are right, I do look 24. Thank God for being a late bloomer.

But back to the point, my Jesus Age. I am pretty sure turning this magical age means that this is the year that I will find the one thing I am passionate about- outside of heavy drinking and socializing.  Now, I am sure many of you are thinking what does she mean, she already knows what she is good at. If she didn't she wouldn't move across the world. Then I would quickly tell you you are absolutely wrong, like most things and moves in my life I came here on a whim. Because although  it does appear I have my life together, the dirty truth is I am a floater. It is only my good intuition and strong faith that seem to help me paint the picture of stability. I mean let's be honest, since I was 18 each year I make a move, be it a new apartment or new job. In fact, I have never lived any place longer than 4 years since I was 16 years old.  So yes, all of these moves never really left me with the time to really find out what I like to do. But at least I know what I don't want to do and people say that is always the starting point.

Let's be clear though, I am not ashamed of my floater side. It has allowed me to thoroughly  enjoy my life and, after all, plenty of really successful people don't even hit it big until after they are 30. Just in case you doubt me check here. So now there is the obvious question, what will I do? I can confidently say that after weeks of thinking about it... I have no clue. None whatsoever. I am still hoping for that one prolific dream or the big giant sign that just says "Do this stupid." Either one would be greatly appreciated. I would just sit around and daydream small, but unfortunately, my bank account has assured me that it won't be sticking around for that process.

So now is the rock in the hard place, which is really a cave. But the great thing about a cave is that it is technically a tunnel and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope that when I hit that light there are also clearly written instructions near by..or Jesus just pointing me in the right direction.

Until Next Time. Smooches.